Shut up head, just shut up.

Update time! :)

OK guys, here we go! I haven’t posted a lot personal stuff lately, except of some meals, some pics blabla but my blog isn’t what it used to be. Maybe because I’ve been doing really good for a rather long time but (ngtl) things are getting pretty tough again.
I’m doing rather again though. I know that starving my body is not an option. It is not. I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t want the thoughts to get even louder and me to get even more miserable again. I don’t want my muscles to shrink, mainly not to damage my heart and other organs. I’d rather eat something high in proteins than skip dinner at all. I’ve come so far, OK, sometimes I’m eating for the wrong reasons like ‘not losing muscles I’ve build up’ but isn’t that better than starving myself? I think it definitely is.

But I’m struggling a lot lately. My head just wants me to get worse, to relapse, to lose weight and not to eat. I sometimes do want to fall back but then I remind myself of all the reasons I should not let myself give up. I have come to far, so far it even triggers me wanting to relapse but I mean, I should be proud, shouldn’t I? Food is no longer a fear. I haven’t got any fear foods anymore (sure some foods are a bit tougher for me but I’m not chickening out at all anymore!), I’m (6kgs) over the weight my doctors wanted me to be, I’m not struggling with ‘I have to burn calories’ thoughts whilst exercising (or at least really seldom and not as badly as before) and things have got so much better! My body image has improved a holy lot as well! I mean I still feel too big and sometimes way too fat bit sometimes when I take a look in the mirror I’m like ‘wow my body is pretty cool!’ and I don’t want to lose weight because of my appearance, not mainly at least (still pretty conscious of my thighs and ‘bigger’ body) but all together I think my body is okay that way, except some of my trousers don’t fit anymore and all my jeans have gone sooo damn tight.. That’s my main problem at the moment to be honest. I’m always like ‘should I eat or not’ and than there’s this ‘oh your trousers should fit again’ but also the ‘but being fit is more than being skinny and plus starving yourself leads to muscle mass loss’ and then I just start to eat but I feel like there isn’t a normal eating routine in my life. I feel like I either eat too much or not enough and then I’m like ‘OK maybe starving myself is the only way to lose weight’ but oh no that’s unhealthy… Uuurgh sorry. Okay, cutting this shit here, it doesn’t matter anyway. To put in a nutshell I’m just a bit confused and torn about what to do and whether to eat or not but I’m eating and I will keep up the progress I’ve made. I have never thought I’d come so far so thank you all for supporting me! I don’t think I’d have made it so far without you all! Thank you!!!

Otherwise things are going pretty well. Everyone tells me and my mum (mainly my mum though) that I’m looking so much better and that I’m so pretty blabla hahaha… I’m don’t think I’m pretty at all but its nice to get some compliments ;)
I have a boyfriend, resocialised and am meeting friends again instead of just sitting at home alone. I’m much happier, healthier and all in all way better! So there’s nothing to feel bad about, is it?
School has started today and I’m really nervous as things are getting serious because all of my grades will be important for my a levels now.

Well, anyway. Sending lots of love and hugs! Stay strong cuties! 💖😘

Breakfast, pre-school me and soya cappuccino at Starbucks…

First day of school today and I’m having 3lessons off now haha.. I’m so bored and tired as I’ve barely slept last night…

Love xx